My Phantasmagoria

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     Just when I’m about graduating my A-level course, I’m uncertain about my future. Practically, I’m starting to evaluate the interest in me. And because of this particular moment, I’m starting to doubt about my next step in life. I know I’ve to make a choice to where I want to go, and most importantly, my life after my decision. I’m scared about my own capability in handling another big change in my life. But still, I cannot hold back the time and freeze the moment. Life goes on whether you want it or not. And time sweeps away our youth and unfold the door of adultery. I guess I’m not ready to face the changes yet. Everything just happens so fast. And right now, we have to bear the responsibility of every tiny decision in our life. More obstacles are on the way, and I can feel the weight of my shoulder getting heavier day by day. Back to the pasts, which we used to throw ourselves into the warmth of our parents, right now, it’s our turn to be independent, to fly with our own wings. Things changed, and we have to accept it as part of our life. Nothing seems easy now. In fact, there is no more 1 + 1 = 2 or the miserable ABC that we used to pronounce when we were young. Whenever I look at the newborn babies, my face will craft a smile for they are pure and innocent. It’s so beautiful to see a new life is born. They are the one who will take over our responsibilities and continues the tradition. With every life ends, a new life begins. With every old love ends, a new love begins. With every sadness intrudes, a wave of happiness hits the shore. The replacement is endless.

     Oh well, back to my life again. Honestly, I’m indecisive about my future. But one thing for sure, no matter what the choices that I’m going to make, I know I won’t regret it for even a single second for I’m walking on the path that my heart is directing me, or perhaps, my ‘meant to be’ road. It doesn’t whether I’m a success or a failure in the future, because it’s out of my ability to control. Perhaps, the only thing that I can do now is to be the best that I can be. Let see what will I turn out to be in the future. :p

All the time, time changes every single bit of us. We are heading towards the destiny, the goal that we are really hoping for, dying for. No matter what we had or going to sacrifice, nothing seems to be important anymore. Perhaps, this is the purpose of living. We live, we fight, we die. That’s the reality. Sometimes, life is just as simple as it seems. Nothing too complicated. Nothing too simplified. It’s right in the middle, middle of no where. Yesterday, I just stumbled through a book, and it said we are actually living in a world of echo and shadows. At first, it didn’t appear to me as something rational, logical. But somehow, when I came to think about it, it’s not entirely ridiculous though. Every single day, we are living, or to be specific, dropping a shadow into the day. Shadows sometimes, shape us into who we are. It has the unique ability in casting the beauty of darkness, the mystery of unknowns. It’s because of shadows, darkness exists. It’s because of shadow; we are able to feel how alive we are. It’s because of shadows, we know how to appreciate day. It’s because of shadows; we understand who we were in the pasts and avoid looking back for even one day, one minute, or even one second.

     Some of us might be able to live in a world that they are wished for; some of us might still fighting hard to achieve what they wanted; some of us, might live in the world that is better than expected, or the other way round; some of us might not even have the chance to grab hold of their dreams and taste their satisfaction behind, it maybe that he or she is taken over by death, but most of the time they are being blinded by lost and confusion. But regardless of who they are or what it is, they all share the same similarity in life is that they are all bounded and restricted in the same circle of life, the rules still apply here: they are trying to complete the circle – as smooth as possible. It all depends on their definition of ‘smooth’, some of them might get satisfaction very easily by just wanting to lead a simple life with a simple job that is just enough to cover up their livings; some of them might want to find an extravagant and highly respected job, with fabulous salary, nice car, beautiful house, wonderful husband or wife, have or without children; some of them might prefer to be single, it’s not because they hate marriage, but they just want to enjoy the freedom, enjoy the time to be alone. Well, I guess almost everyone of us would prefer to take the second option. But somehow, I’m just being puzzled by some questions here. What is meant by enough? Does human will get satisfied with what they are having? If yes, will they just stop there and live at that particular stage of life? If not, will they try to climb higher? But how far would they go? And does that in turn, makes us greedy?

     Frankly, I don’t know what my aim is or where is my stand; I don’t know what is my meaning of ‘enough’, and I don’t even know when will I going to stop fighting, will it outlast until the day I die? Even I’m dead, would I be able to gain the real peacefulness that I really wanted all along?

     I believe in something that some people might find it hard to believe. I’m walking towards the calling, the sound of the future, and the history of always. My mind is spinning with its full velocity, trying to keep up with the pace of my heartbeat and the flow of my blood. Perhaps, the people scared him. For the images that he registered is extraordinary. I want to run away from the images, forbidding myself from staring or being stared by the people. No, I’m not avoiding. Just that I’m scared to death. I run, I cry, I shout. Insane. Perhaps, I’m saving myself from the fear. I’m just protecting myself. It is human nature, isn’t it? The river of blood is flowing like a mourning parade, the moon is covered by sins, the ground is covered by the dead, the environment is soaked with the ghost of our soul, trees are on fire, shadow is everywhere, tears are red, and bodies are drenched by rain. Perhaps to be specific, this is what I’m running away from. I’m following the sound of echo. My faith is vanished. My star is being stained. I have nothing to lean on anymore, except, believing in something that I don’t even understand, hoping that it’ll save me, pull me out from this world. Every step I take is guided by lost and forlorn. I’m no longer the one who is guided by destiny. A journey that never end. Please, I’m begging to myself, to run away from the street that I knew, from the people. Run faster…… please run…… This is the voice of my head, the voice under my skin. No, I don’t want to die yet. So please…… save me…… Please……

     Sometimes when I recall back the yesterdays, I suddenly realized how things have changed between me and myself. I’m starting to get confuse about who I really am and my destiny of life. Changes, I realized, are unpredictable and yet, it has the beauty to keep himself from visible, from being drastic. Maybe, just maybe, I’m changing towards the bad side of life. Or perhaps, I’m heading towards the good? I wish that I’m able to feel it and grab hold of it. Understanding about changes of life, is just as hard as it seems. It’s a journey of understanding, making choices, and follow decisions. For me, making decisions of life is the hardest part among all. In fact, it’s never easy. If we are lucky, we might able to do according with what we wanted it to be. And this is what I called: miracle. Perhaps, time changed me. I have learnt the art of letting go and realized that the day is not always sunny. I also learnt that darkness needs to be occurred, just to make the stars to be so much brighter than ever. I also learnt to run until there is nothing left inside of me, and then run some more and yell: WATCH ME!!!

     I’m starting to appreciate life more than anything else. Indeed, life can be fun and exciting if you guys are willing to accept it and make the most out of it. Trust me: Life is not about throwing yourself in a pile of books for the entire day with all the ‘E=mc²’ stuff buzzling around your head. Life promises more than what you and I could ever imagine. And yes, I’m truly agreed that life is fantastic. Well, maybe sometimes you guys might get ‘stuck’ in your life and frustration might set in, but do you ever question yourself why the problem must occur? Well, I do. I do agree with certain people that some obstacles are hard to face and that you might give up in the middle of the race. I truly understand the anger for I have been gone through many hardships in my life as well. But I guess what makes the difference, is how we view the ‘obstacles’. Obstacles are meant to be overcome, and yes, it has to occur because this is the only way to sharpen our life and it’s a process that everyone has to face to gain ‘maturarity’. Or let’s put it in this way, no obstacles, there would be no purpose of living. No hardships, there would be no happiness. No problems, then the so-called ‘life’ can never be completed.

     Some people ever asked me this question : how do you define winner in human race? For me, I guess the real winner is the one who is able to climb back when you fall, arm yourself with bravery during hardest moments and at last, accept failure. =)

Someday, perhaps, I’ll spread my wings to fly,

For I know sky is within my reach,

Freedom archived,

And my circle of life would soon be complete.

Someday, perhaps, as I walk along the shore of doubt,

The path seems never ending,

And yet, I’ll equip myself with courage,

For I know, the story of my life would soon be unfold.

Someday, perhaps, as I look into my heart core,

The sound of my life would soon whisper to me,

Telling me the hidden side of me,

And I know my life would never be the same again.

Someday, perhaps, I’ll fall in love,

And experience the most magnificent feeling of all,

For love is what I have ever wished for.

I had tried, but I quit.

I had tasted it, but I forgot.

I had called upon it, but it refused…

Someday, perhaps, I’ll look back into my pasts,

And I know, I’ll be proud of my own life,

For I managed to survive yesterdays as a survivor,

And create a rainbow out of it.

Someday, perhaps, I’ll change,

For every person is susceptible to grow,

And gain maturarity,

And fight through storms.

Someday, perhaps, I’ll become old,

Wrinkles would soon take place,

I know, for sure I’ll equip with lifelong stories,

Stories that shaped me into who I am, and who I’m going to be.

Someday, somehow, I’ll realize the meaning of me,

And define me and my life,

With confidence,

And with pride…….

                                                                                      -banana-

         I have always clung to the fact that I love night sky more than anything else. I’m truly enthralled by how magnificent a night sky can be. It’s sensational and powerful, in the sense of way that it has the ability to touch deep inside my heart and unlock the poetic side of me. It’s inspirational, beautiful and gentle.

         Well, some cynics might claim that my action is stupid, while some romanticism might think that I’m doing the right thing. Whether it’s right or wrong, it doesn’t matter to me at all. As I’m already here, sitting at my balcony, letting some of the aroma candles color the environment, while listening to some of the sentimental songs, and sipping a cup of Nescafe. I’m truly lucky that the weather tonight is just the one that I wanted, no cloud, no rain, and occasionally a gentle breeze will pass by, as if welcoming me to enjoy the night sky. The stars above me are shining proudly, coloring the dark sky with it’s tiny enchanting light. Perhaps the only thing that is lack of is a full moon.

         Staring up the SDK’s night sky, I can see Orion and some funny patterns that are formed by the stars. Suddenly, I’m struck by a realization that I’m not looking at the stars only, but I’m staring at my past as well. I let out a heavy sigh. Many poets and novelists claim that stars can somehow, reflect your future and remind you the one that you love. Surprisingly, tonight is different. And for the first time in my life, I’m totally lost and I have no idea how to carry on in my life. Star symbolizes dream, hope and a life span of a person. However, I can’t find my own star right now. Or perhaps, I have none?

          Lying next to me is an empty chair, waiting someone to put weight on it. And at this particular moment, my mind starts to wonder. How is my future girlfriend or wife would look like? Pretty? Smart? Honestly, I have no idea. Or am I able to find one? Hmmm… this question… Hmmm…. Pretty tough…. Lol….

         So, I’m gonna stop here and enjoy the rest of the night with peace.

The moment when I handed in my bio test paper this morning, deep inside my heart, I knew I had done badly this time. And it’s enough to spoil my first day of the week. When I reached home, I just couldn’t concentrate on my homework. I felt like a failure. Outside the world is raining right now. Staring at the window, I can see tiny droplets sliding down the glass pane. “Oh right, raining again. How pathetic.” The fact that I can’t match my marks to my effort is driving me insane. Oh great, I’m going to miss the list of honour this time. So how am I going to prove myself to others? The more I think about it, the more I get frustrated with it. This world is so unfair.

          But after I had settled myself down and listened to jim brickman’s music, I suddenly realized something, which is I think, is more valuable than getting another A in bio test. The fact is, it’s only a test. One test is not my life. Even though I fail this test, so what? Does it guarantee anything? I still have to carry on leading my life just like others, and I know, there is always a second chance available for me to grab. The fact is, taking the time to build a friendship that will last all the exams of life, and start to believe in myself all over again will always be the prefect score.

          For those who are reading this, I just want to let you guys understand that it’s okay to fail if you understand that you had done your very best. Don’t feel regret for you didn’t prepare well enough as it is totally not worth it. Look with hope with the horizon of today and tell yourself that I will do better next time. The fact is, you have to learn from your failure and climb back once again!!!